Tuesday, January 05, 2016

THANK-YOU anonymous

The recent comments from anonymous (bless your heart!) have given me the strength to publish the following post.  Here goes...

She replies with, “you’re strong Jen, I know you’ll get through this.”  I’ve heard these words before.  I know she means well.  I know her words come from a place of compassion and helplessness.  No mother wants to see her daughter in pain.  I repeat myself, “mom, I’m really not doing okay.”

She asks me to pack a bag of clothes.

I drive to my parent’s house down the street, suitcase in tow.  I lie on the living room couch.  I let the twinkle of the Christmas lights dance on my face. 

Depression is an ugly monster, one I have yet to embrace.  It rears into my life at moments of joy and steals away happiness.  I do everything in my own power to face this head on: counselling, self-help exercises, medication, meditation, prayer, yoga, healthy eating…

I’m so frustrated.  I’m angry.  When I wake up and cannot muster the strength to get out of my own bed, this self-defeating dialogue plays in my head:  What is happening to me?  Why do I feel this way?  Why can’t I get better? 

Perhaps I need to let go of these feelings of helplessness and learn to embrace this as a part of who I am.  Honestly, I do not know.

What I do know is that I do not enjoy feeling this way.  As brave and courageous as I think I am, it’s hard for me to accept this as part of my life.


Being honest about it here is the first step in that journey.

5 comments:

Rubina Khanam said...

Good Start.

asiangard said...

I'm so sorry Jen that you are going through this. I'm also probe to depression it sucks. Read Gut Phsycology I had many ah ha moments but still never cured myself ๐Ÿ˜œ

์ƒˆ๋ด„ said...

I agree that you are strong, Jennipal^^ And you have the strength within you to get through what you need to get through. It sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself and don't need more suggestions, do you? For me writing helps in that it helps me get outside my head. If I'm lying in bed troubled by something I get up and write about it and it feels like through writing I figuratively take the matter out of my head and transfer it to the paper. Or blog or keyboard--you get my drift.

Anyway, keep up the good fight. ํ™”์ดํŒ…!

Jen said...

Hi beautiful friend! It's Jen from Korea (but also from Canada).

Jen said...

Cont'd... Love you and sending hugs and grace to you. Looking forward to connecting with you on skype when I am back home. Love you!