Tuesday, January 05, 2016
The recent comments from anonymous (bless your heart!) have given me the strength to publish the following post. Here goes...
She replies with, “you’re strong Jen, I know you’ll get through this.” I’ve heard these words before. I know she means well. I know her words come from a place of compassion and helplessness. No mother wants to see her daughter in pain. I repeat myself, “mom, I’m really not doing okay.”
She asks me to pack a bag of clothes.
I drive to my parent’s house down the street, suitcase in tow. I lie on the living room couch. I let the twinkle of the Christmas lights dance on my face.
Depression is an ugly monster, one I have yet to embrace. It rears into my life at moments of joy and steals away happiness. I do everything in my own power to face this head on: counselling, self-help exercises, medication, meditation, prayer, yoga, healthy eating…
I’m so frustrated. I’m angry. When I wake up and cannot muster the strength to get out of my own bed, this self-defeating dialogue plays in my head: What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I get better?
Perhaps I need to let go of these feelings of helplessness and learn to embrace this as a part of who I am. Honestly, I do not know.
What I do know is that I do not enjoy feeling this way. As brave and courageous as I think I am, it’s hard for me to accept this as part of my life.
Being honest about it here is the first step in that journey.