Saturday, January 16, 2016

I love you mom.

I think of her often.  The woman who so easily let me into her heart.  She accepted me as I am, and I did her, even though we never did understand our differences.  Separated by language yet united by love.  

I will always cherish my Korean mother-in-law.

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

THANK-YOU anonymous

The recent comments from anonymous (bless your heart!) have given me the strength to publish the following post.  Here goes...

She replies with, “you’re strong Jen, I know you’ll get through this.”  I’ve heard these words before.  I know she means well.  I know her words come from a place of compassion and helplessness.  No mother wants to see her daughter in pain.  I repeat myself, “mom, I’m really not doing okay.”

She asks me to pack a bag of clothes.

I drive to my parent’s house down the street, suitcase in tow.  I lie on the living room couch.  I let the twinkle of the Christmas lights dance on my face. 

Depression is an ugly monster, one I have yet to embrace.  It rears into my life at moments of joy and steals away happiness.  I do everything in my own power to face this head on: counselling, self-help exercises, medication, meditation, prayer, yoga, healthy eating…

I’m so frustrated.  I’m angry.  When I wake up and cannot muster the strength to get out of my own bed, this self-defeating dialogue plays in my head:  What is happening to me?  Why do I feel this way?  Why can’t I get better? 

Perhaps I need to let go of these feelings of helplessness and learn to embrace this as a part of who I am.  Honestly, I do not know.

What I do know is that I do not enjoy feeling this way.  As brave and courageous as I think I am, it’s hard for me to accept this as part of my life.

Being honest about it here is the first step in that journey.