Monday, January 06, 2014

stuck. love. sex. life. learning. exploration.

I have been away from this blog far too long for comfort.  I have lost my voice.  As I'm finding my way in academia, exploring different voices, I realize that I'm more comfortable in this space -- the space I've created for myself in this blog.

I have shifted the way I write.

Last night I wrote a poem about the beauty of sex.  Imagine that!  Okay, don't imagine.

These past couple of years, since returning back to Canada from 5 years abroad in Korea, I haven't found my footing.  Most days I'm more lost than found.  I find that I have to choose between two worlds: Korea or Canada.

Truth is, I don't "fit" into either.  I find that I am forced to pick which identity matters most at any given moment.  There seems to be no space for the hybridity that exists when you live part of your adult life in another country.  Or maybe I just don't know how to embrace being in-between multiple cultures.  Included in that is a juggling act of balancing my life with societies prewritten moral codes of right and wrong.

The line are being blurred.

I'm creating my own boundaries.  Living life my way.  Owning who I really am.  In this search (of "who is Jen?") I'm asking BIG questions: about life, about life after life, about meaning, about truth.  These questions have multiple answers -- depending on who I speak with.

I speak with too many people.

So I am learning to sit alone.  To listen to myself.  To trust myself.  To find that inner voice.

I miss this blog.  I miss writing.  I miss sharing.

Truth be told:  I left this space because I was afraid.  My marriage began to crumble.  I felt ashamed.  I struggled, in silence.  I didn't want people to know that I was having difficulty.  So I shut myself off from YOU - the very people who encourage me, who support me, who want to see me do well in this life.

I think I'm ready.

I think I'm ready to write my story.  The healing has already begun.  I am finding my way out of the mess:  depression bitch slapped me across the face.  It owned me (still does) for several months.  But now, with time, with support, with friends cheerleading at the sidelines or my life, I'm ready to live again, I'm ready to tackle life.  The feisty -- don't give a shit what anyone thinks -- Jen is back.  Or at least she thinks she's back.

I will share my story.  I will put words to my pain, my hurt.

I have always been REAL, but I didn't want to be real.  I was a coward.  I ran away from the very thing that brings me so much joy - writing.  I ran away from this space.  I feared YOU: my readers.  And I knew I couldn't "pretend" to be loving life.  I couldn't post my pictures or write about my day because you'd read between the'd see that I wasn't being authentic.

And so, in the process of healing...I have returned here.  I bring no promises of what parts of my narrative I will share.  But, grab some coffee, bring your kind words - reach out your helping hand - because this girl is going to need it.


Anonymous said...

You have been missed! One of my favourite blogs ever!

Such a courageous post, I'm so glad you are back.

I was drawn to your blog because of your authenticity and your honesty. You reach out to others in a brave way, in a way that others could never dream of doing......

We all struggle, we all love, we all strive for a happy ending, but you are courageous enough to share your journey with us.

Your writing has definitely matured and is more sophisticated than before.

I look forward to many future blog posts!

A reader from the beginning.

Why am I here??? said...

This comment is BEAUTIFUL! Thanks for this anony. I will continue to reach out to others even though it scared the SHIT out of me! Thanks for hanging in there. Thanks for your kind words :)

Why am I here??? said...

*scares (I'm still scared)

Diana E. Sung said...

I'm glad you're back. I am sorry to hear you were away because of struggles, but I'm glad you're going to start writing about them. I am sure the process will be healing.

KM said...

I'm so happy you're back! I have missed your posts.

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

You are such a great poet, and also a great blogger. I am VERY happy you'll be posting again! I've missed you :-)

Chris said...

Welcome back, and look forward to more frequent posting.

Chris said...

Welcome back, and look forward to more posts!

Kristen said...

Glad you are back Jen. I missed hearing about the amazing things you were doing with your life and you always made me want to do more as well. Life definitely have a way to knock us on our asses, but I think you handle things with courage and honesty.

JIW said...

Glad to see you're back and this explains to me your ghost profile on FB. Anyways!!

:) Good luck to everything and thanks for your help when you give it to me.

Anonymous said...

Hallo, I'm heungjoo. Are you okay? Could you message/call me & dodo? My email address is . Write me back.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jen! Hope all is ok. I decided to pop by (the blog; though I will do the house eventually) when I saw your darked out fb. I missed you on here! P.S. learning to enjoy being alone with your own thoughts is awesome. I love my alone time. But I am hear for a walk whenever! Hopefully talk to you soon. Kim

Anonymous said...

Jen, Hugs! I have been thinking about you lately. Though you struggle, you never stop showing your amazing spirit and talents. I always look forward to reading your blog and am glad you are back!
Cindy (Samuel, Madalyn, Rachel, Lia, Benjamin)

Lady Hwa-Hwa said...

I've been reading your blog for years. When I first started, I thought, "Why does she post such personal stuff online?" Then I thought, well, "Why are you reading it?" The answer is... because she is incredibly brave. And her exploration of her own thoughts, feelings, insecurities and experiences is intelligent, insightful and REAL! I would never be brave enough to write like you do, but I draw strength from your writings. I admire not only your courage, but also your drive. Welcome back to blogging; I hope it can also be beneficial to you. Your readers support you <3