Thursday, July 12, 2012
Everyone is fighting their own battle
Life is a process. It is for me. I was always so very careful. I grew up doing well in school. If I did well I got noticed. I impressed people. I got recognition from teachers, friends and most importantly my parents. I knew no other life. I worried about everything. I still worry about everything.
I'm not a big risk taker. I want to play it safe. If you think that going to Korea was so adventurous then I'd look at you and say that you could do it too. It was a choice that I made. I had a secure job and a place to live. I didn't even have to purchase my own plane ticket.
Now that I'm getting older I'm letting go. Letting go of the control. Letting go of trying to be perfect. Like when I first met Sung Hyun. And when it was IMPOSSIBLE for us to be a couple. And because we knew that, we just enjoyed our moments together. We couldn't plan for more but won't be happy with anything less. We didn't have expectations. We couldn't play those silly dating games. The culture, the language, the family were all against us but somehow we just couldn't not try to be together. This is love. For whatever reason I was meant to be with Sung Hyun. He is an ideal partner to balance out all of this craziness. I'm trying to figure out life, and he's just living it. He comes home at the end of the day with a smile on his face. In his life everything is so simple. He chooses happiness. The end.
I can't understand how life can be so simple for him. I make life complicated. I think too much. I swim up the river. I try to control things that can't always be controlled. I worry about things that don't really matter.
The moments we had together in Korea were so beautiful. We talk about them. About going back to the time when we just laughed all the time. About how we didn't have a care in the world because that time we were together we just enjoyed each others company, no strings attached. It was like the outside world didn't exist. We were so far away from reality that our life seemed magical.
But then with life, as with relationships, expectations change and pressure from others (but mostly myself) surmount. I know that I want to be with Sung Hyun. I can't imagine my life without him. He allows me just enough freedom to explore and feel before tugging me down to reality and saying "hey, you stay at home all afternoon I expect you to cook at least two nights a week". I need those expectations. I need someone to give me freedom to wonder yet guidelines in which to operate. He lets me be me. He lets me contradict myself and holds my hand when I think I don't need it. He assures me that things will be alright. He knows the exact words to say and what to do at any given time. He respects me. He trusts me. He loves me for what I am, not who he thinks I should be.
Sung Hyun is more socially sensitive to my feelings than I could have ever imagined. He's smart. He's handsome. He's got a six pack (I'm throwing this one out there for him, since he like to remind me about his six pack ;)
Marrying him was the biggest risk and best decision I've ever made. Never have I thought differently.
I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm contradicting myself. I'm loving life one minute and then pissed off at my laziness/ lack of drive the next. I expect the best but then don't put in the work it takes to get there. This is who I am. You can judge. I'd expect that you would. But remember that even if you were a fly on the wall in my life, you are still not ME. We are different. You don't know how I feel, or think, or how my past and life experiences have shaped me. I own myself. I admit my mistakes. Slowly, I'm opening up and letting go. I'm documenting this transition process on my blog. I don't have it all together. I don't expect that I'll ever 'figure things out', but this is my journey. I am owning it. I am creating it. This is the life I am living -- even if I don't always like it.
My life is on this blog. My parents are sometimes uncomfortable with what I write about here. Sometimes they think that what I write makes my husband look bad, sometimes they think that I'm sharing too much personal information. In these cases, I like to ask them why they feel uncomfortable. Why is the sharing of personal information create chaos? When I started this blog in June 2006 never did I imagine that it would go on for this long. This is the biggest thing that I've ever committed to. I don't commit to much. I get bored easily. I need a challenge. I need a purpose. When things get comfortable they get easy and I more on. My life goal is not security or stability. I thought it was. I thought that's what a 'good' life was about. That may be what others want for me, but it's not what I want for myself. I feel there is a larger purpose for me. I haven't found it yet. But I'm redefining what I want. I'm making my own choices. And I'm living my life, for me.
And aren't we all fighting our own battles in some way or another? Aren't we all contradicting our decisions at some point and wishing for more. Aren't we all torn by the way we want the world to see us and the way we want to live our lives. No? Then you must all be like Sung Hyun, dammit!
This is MY journey. And this time I'm trying to be less careful!
Now, go ahead and comment anonymously on this post. In doing so, tell me one thing that you dislike about me/ this blog/ who I am (you get the point) but follow it up with something you admire about me/ this blog/ who I am. Constructive feed back is good. You don't need to identify yourself. I'm giving you permission to say everything you've wanted to say without telling me who you are. Now go ahead, DO IT! I promise you won't hurt my feelings or hold it against you (my readers).