Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sitting in the discomfort
Hair straightened, make-up applied, high heels donned, I was ready.
I set out last week on a mission to find a dress: first, to reward myself for winning the SSHRC scholarship; second, to attend an important meeting.
Last night I attended that important meeting.
As I sat around a group of distinguished individuals I couldn't help but feel an array of emotions flood my body. "I know how hard you've worked. You are among the best of the best. You should be very proud of yourselves. The university is very proud of you" The words echoed in the space between my ears. She was talking to us, to me.
I felt proud to be sitting in the university president's residence. I was most surprised by how her personable demeanour yet command for attention put me at ease. Now that's a lady I want to be like, I thought to myself. She must lead an interesting life!
As I talked with others about my adventures abroad, about how my husband and I couldn't speak the same language when we first met, I couldn't help but feel I too have been blessed with such an amazing life. And there is so much more I feel I NEED to do.
I want to write. I want to get fit. I want to learn a language. I want to publish in scholarly journals. I want to travel.
There are so many things I want to do. And there is absolutely NOTHING that says I cannot accomplish these goals. But when I return home from a day at work I look only at the big picture. And it's overwhelming. I get scared. I do nothing because negative self talk fills the spaces between my ears "you're not smart enough, brave enough, strong enough, pretty enough..." So I sit and think when I should be doing something else even though I know this is counterproductive.
If this scholarship is any indication of how powerful I can be when personal perseverance and self belief align, then it should be a testament to all things great in my life.
But I'm just a girl. Riddled with self-doubt and blinded with shaky confidence. Smart enough to know better yet not motivated enough to do anything about it.
So in the light of one of my biggest successes in my life, I sat around the room beaming with pride yet uncomfortable with my disposition.
It is my personal philosophy that learning and personal growth occur best in these moments of uncomfortableness. It's why I'm so free to put myself out there to be judged by others. I'm ready to sit in the discomfort.