Wednesday, May 30, 2012

How do you pinpoint the non-enjoyment?**

Alternative title:  Pity party for one!

This post was written because a) I use my blog and a medium to express my personal frustrations, b) I like hearing what others have to say in the comments section, and c) because we are so eager to show the world when we do good, but we also have to remain humble, and honest.


I'm at a cross roads.  

I'm in a rut.

I'm searching for more.

I'm unmotivated.

I'm probably just* depressed.  I don't know.  

I want to do things.  I want to change.  But I don't put in the hard work I need to get it done.  I'm lazy.  I'm all or nothing.  I'm hard on myself.  I have feelings of guilt if I come home and don't do what I had planned.  I need external motivation and reward.  I've got a strong personality.  I'm stubborn.  But I give up too easily.  I'm not happy accomplishing things on my own.  I need to work on my confidence.  I don't believe good things should happen to me.  I'm sure those that know me (especially my family and husband) could add to this list.

Bah-humbug!  How's that for real?  Real depressing.

I need constant change.  I need to be challenged.  When I was little I'd change my room around every month or so.  I got bored easily.  I still get bored easily.  I've taken on volunteer projects at work to combat some of this.  

Some days are awesome.  I feel really good and blessed to have a wonderful family and an understanding husband.  Some days are bad and I feel guilty for not being better.

But I want more.  And I'm searching.  I'm looking.

And I'm coming up with......NOTHING!

(Except blogging.  Blogging makes me happy)


* I use the word just to refer to this personal realization, NOT to simplify or undermine the severity of this disorder.
** My friend Tanya inspired this title and topic of post for today


Anonymous said...

If blogging makes you happy, why not start some sort of blog project? One of those 30 days (or 3 months or whatever) projects. For example, 30 days to weight loss, or 30 days of saving money, or 30 days of exploring my city... Whatever you feel like doing. Search in Google for similar projects.

Or if what you really like is the writing itself, maybe you should consider writing something. Ebooks are so easy to publish these days. Why not put something together?

Why am I here??? said...

Thanks anony. Your comment is both thoughtful and constructive. Nice!

Annie-Me said...

I like the publish idea. You could write a book about your crazy experiences in korea...esp those cute stories about your K-mom...they are adorable.

Anonymous said...

Wow Jen, I feel like we're the same person. I'm a sophomore in college and I move my stuff around ALL the time. Also unmotivated, and hard on myself. I think what helps is to take some time off (as odd as that sounds when you just admitted you don't feel productive) to ground yourself. To figure out what inspires you. Not all of can be like Amy (even if we want to :P). One of my biggest problems was comparing myself to others, when really, we should regard them as inspirations. Try and focus on what you have that many don't (food, health, husband, family) and remain grateful for it. On the flipside, try and figure out what makes you feel inadequate. Are you seeking a specific goal that you can't seem to achieve? Or is it more broad, and it's just that you can't seem to achieve anything?

Sometimes what we're good at, and what we should be doing with our lives, seem like two completely different things, when in reality, they can become one in the same. We're just getting in our own ways. If you have a hobby, or a certain skill that you never used in your career but you still always seemed to come back to (painting, teaching, running, etc) spend some time there. I'm not saying devote your life to painting, but maybe take some time off and really try and spend time doing the things you enjoy.

I feel most like myself when I take breaks. Whether it's the summer after a long year of school during which I stressed about grades, jobs, my future. Things that aren't vital to our existence (is a 2.5 GPA going to kill you?). You determine your own standards. Do what makes you happy, not what you think will impress others.

Believe in yourself, work for yourself, reward yourself, and love yourself.


Why am I here??? said...

Hey Bram,

I had no clue you still lurked on my blog. I've missed your comments for years. Congrats on getting into college. I hope you continue to work hard!!

Keep commenting ;)

p.s. the comment about do what makes you happy, not what you think will impress others is a good one. Well said Bram

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

Sorry to hear that you are at a cross roads and are searching, although it is times like these that wonderful things start happening. Keep your eyes and your mind open :-)

Bly said...

I still come by from time to time. Don't think I've forgotten about you :P And I'm all grown up :)