Thursday, May 10, 2012

Give yourself permission to be the priority in your life.

Last night I went to my spring grad class.  It's an intensive 6-week course.  Intensive because within the first 2 weeks our first research paper is due.  Two weeks sounds like a lot of time considering I do most of my writing late at night a couple of days before the paper is due.  But since the topic is one that I have no background knowledge on which to base my opinion, I'd be living at my computer, like when I was applying for this.

I left the class overwhelmed and stressed.  I kind of felt like I was hit by a truck.

I woke up thinking "what the hell am I going to write about in my first paper?".  An overwhelming sense of doom washed over me and turned me into a grump.  I get grumpy when I'm stressed and the first person I take it out on is Sung Hyun (cue: poor Sung Hyun!).

So tonight after a chat with my lover, I decided to withdraw.

I kind of feel like a failure.  Negative self-talk like "a real leader would preserve and push through" has been clouding my thoughts.  But the reality is that I'm been pushing through since I've been back to Canada almost 2 years ago.  We've accomplished a lot since our return.  And the only one holding these high expectations of myself is myself.  Everyone else could probably care less.  Most of you may think I'm foolish for putting this strain on myself.  A few of my friends have said "give yourself a break" because I often can't sit to watch T.V. for 1 hours without feeling guilty and thinking I should be "bettering myself".  Well "bettering myself" this summer will be about doing things that I actually enjoy doing, like writing!

I'm looking forward to the break from stress and, as Tosca Reno said on her FB status today, giving myself permission to be the priority in my life"

And that my friends, is exactly what I'm going to do!




4 comments:

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

Good for you for withdrawing from the course - I think that was the right decision. I am very much like you in that I am far too hard on myself. Over the past year, I have gotten a LOT better at taking care of me. It feels great!

Broken Therapy Record said...

Therapy.

Make it/you a priority.

Please.

Tanya said...

Good for you! It takes a lot of guts to admit when something is not working for you at that particular moment in your life and even more to act on it and take a different direction. Proud of you for seeing that you don't have to always be doing something "meaningful" to enjoy life. Sometimes you can sit and let your brain veg!

Why am I here??? said...

Awesome Jolene. Please let me know some things that have worked well for you.

Note taken BTR. Yes Tanya, think BBQ parties, coffee dates, and game nights at my house.