Saturday, February 25, 2012

Honesty pledge

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh


I get criticized for publishing content that is too close to home: "You shouldn't post that", "Be careful when you write about your personal life", "Jen, those things are personal matters", "You need to start talking more with your husband and stop making him look bad on your blog"

I know there is truth in the above statements.

But why are we so afraid to just tell the truth? Why are these intimate moments only private matters? Why should I hide behind a veil of happiness when something so deep is eating away at me? Why can't I talk about things that make people uncomfortable? Why can't we push the limits?

Imagine how free we would feel if we weren't so ashamed of being judged by others. Imagine how comforting it would feel to find out that others share in our struggles.

I'm starting now!


Anonymous said...

I think what I often wonder when you share all your honest with us (and thank you for that) is: Does she share all of this with her husband too?

Honesty is GOOD, and are you giving as much time and effort to express yourself to your partner?

Best of luck!

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

Good for you! I agree 100%.

Anonymous said...

This is not about some things better being private. This is just about the fact that your blog readers cannot solve the obvious relationship problems you and your husband have. Only you and him can do that, and complaining to the world will not help. at all. period.

Anonymous said...


Why am I here??? said...

Very true anony.

Thanks Jolene ;)

Yes I understand anony. Sorry that my random posts sound like I'm complaining. It's hard to remove yourself from a situation when your directly in it to give it a fair appraisal. I'd like this to be more about self-discovery and personal growth and less about complaining to the world. Name please!

Amyable said...

I don't think most people begrudge your honesty. Rather, like me, likely they are worried that you are communicating to the world often BEFORE you've communicated with your husband. Writing on this blog may be an easy way out for you to believe you're being honest but true honesty would be tackling your communication problems directly by having difficult conversations with your husband and yourself. I believe we all wish you well and happiness. Venting and being honest on this blog only isn't going to get you there though.

Anonymous said...

I think you can do what you want. I've been around for over half a century and in my wisdom I can assure you that you CAN write, do and think as you please. Sometimes people will say comments because they do not have the courage to express to themselves what you are writing. Marriage is not a yoke where you have to put up with how you do not like to is up to you. If they do not like what you write or how you think then it is simple...they can delete the link and not read it.

The One Who Really Thinks You Need Counseling said...

"But why are we so afraid to just tell the truth?"

Jen, you cycle through this often. "I'm just going to tell the truth!" But nothing really changes, as proven by the fact that you cycle back to misery again. So perhaps you need to explore why your unhappiness isn't changing over time, despite you constantly telling "the truth."

"Why are these intimate moments only private matters?"

Because the meaning of intimate is private. The dictionary says:
"Intimate: of a very personal or private nature"

Just because other people treat private/intimate relationships differently than you do doesn't mean they're wrong.

Some people feel that a relationship with a spouse is different than any other relationship because it is more intimate than any other relationship! I mean, you married SH instead of a regular old friend of yours for a reason, right?

Also, it is possible for people to be happily married. Most people aren't going to post "I love being married, and my relationship is awesome!" on a "I'm miserable and unhappy and I avoid my husband" post, because most people aren't that mean.

"Why should I hide behind a veil of happiness when something so deep is eating away at me?"

You shouldn't. But you should seek out help for what's eating away at you. And nobody who comments on the blog is going to be able to give you that help. At best, you'll get some good advice. At worst, you'll cherry-pick advice that just proves you're "right" and doesn't actually solve any of the root problems.

"Why can't I talk about things that make people uncomfortable?"

You can. It's your blog. But you've been complaining about your relationship for a while. Has it made anything better?

"Why can't we push the limits?"

You can. But how are you actually pushing any limits? Have you brought these things up to SH directly?

Confronting yourself, confronting the baggage you brought into the relationship, figuring out how you contributed to the problems in this relationship, admitting your own faults--now that would really be pushing a limit.

And in the comments you wrote:
"It's hard to remove yourself from a situation when your directly in it to give it a fair appraisal. I'd like this to be more about self-discovery and personal growth and less about complaining to the world."

Exactly why you need counseling. A good counselor guides you as you figure out your situation, and how to fix it, from a more neutral viewpoint.

You can keep venting here. You'll always be right when you present everything from your viewpoint, on your blog, and you cherry-pick comments to agree with.

But...would you rather be right or be happy?

SuperFantabulous said...

It's your blog. You do what you want with it. Don't explain yourself to anyone. They don't like it, they don't have to read.

Jacky said...

I see no problem with honesty as long as you're comfortable with what you put out there. All relationships take work and I think it takes more work dating someone from a different background. I find your honesty refreshing and it helps me to take on the frustrations in my own relationship sometimes. I saw some people mentioned counseling. I think that's a bit extreme because you know what you need to do and you know communication is needed to make any relationship work. So good luck and it's obvious you can accomplish anything you put your mind to.