Sunday, October 09, 2011

All sorts of uncomfortable!

AH HA! I know why I've been eating my weight in junk food lately!

I am struggling with choices in my life right now. I quit my evening job at Regina Open Door. Although I love the students I know that I really do need to be spending more time with my husband. Although I have been going back and forth on this one for quite some time it was comments from this post that solidified my decision. In fact, I woke up that day, read the comments on my break at work, wrote my letter of resignation in the 20 minute window before I had to go to my evening job and handed the letter to my boss that very night. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Currently I'm in grad school. Although I'm only taking 1 class (albeit 2 classes is full-time) I feel very VERY overwhelmed. The perfectionist in me wants me to do really really well. But the reality is I can't just pick up where I left off in my undergrad. I used to be a really good academic writer. As I look back now I realized that I missed some amazing opportunities to publish some of my papers because I was 'too busy' to make time with my profs to edit my work for a journal. I was 'too busy' trying to get good grades that I missed the point. Now I'm mad at myself for not being able to pick up where I left off. I'm struggling......

.....I've even considered quitting because I don't know fully if I want to specialize in the field of Adult Education. Why should I invest so much time (and money) into a field that I'm not 100% sure I want to pursue? Teaching is my passion, yes, but I just don't know where I see myself in 5 years from now. On the other hand, education is never really a waste. And then when I'm in the classroom I'm like "YAH, I love this. Learning is fun. It challenges me and makes me think in different ways that I didn't think was possible. I feel so inspired!". Then I get home and feel so overwhelmed.


So I'm just so unsettled. That's the reason why I've been keeping myself busy. Sad, I know! If I'm busy then I don't need to address this nagging voice that keeps saying 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' Geez, am I the only one who feels this way?

So yah that's what's been going on lately.

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful that my husband didn't die in this explosion at his work place. Scary stuff:
p.s. I feel so vulnerable, in a good way, when I write about this kind of stuff on my blog. But my dad feels that I'm too honest and at times say too much (HI DAD!). I'm wondering if I need to tone it down or if this is the kind of stuff you look for when coming to my site. Take a minute and let me know in the comments below. Thanks!


Anonymous said...

I'm going to venture a guess here and say that teaching is not your passion. My passion is writing and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Twenty years from now, I KNOW I want to still be writing. Maybe work on a different medium (books instead of magazines), but it will still be writing. My sister is an opera singer (yes, seriously). I'm pretty sure she'd tell you the same thing about her future.

If you don't know what you want to be doing 5 years from now, then you haven't really discovered your passion. Maybe you enjoy teaching and that's ok. But it sounds to me like you haven't discovered your passion yet.

Have you worked on that free-writing exercise others suggested to see if it helps you figure out what you want to do?

And I love your honesty in this blog.

Why am I here??? said...

YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. I enjoy teaching and feel fantastic when I'm in the classroom but I'm passionate about being around people and helping them in some way; perhaps NOT by teaching them the ABCs.

WHO ARE YOU? It seems like you know me so well. You are the exact person I want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with. Please tell me you live in my city!!

And no I have not done any of those exercises where I sit down and put my goals on paper but I have thought and struggled a lot with them mentally.

Anonymous said...

Sorry :) I'm living in Japan at the moment and working as a journalist.

If your passion is on helping others, have you considered working for a non-profit? Maybe working at a woman's shelter or a children's organization. How about starting your own school/business/whatever that works with disadvantaged youth?

A friend of mine loves to travel and she also loves helping poor women. She combined both loves and created her own business: she has quilts and specialty clothes made by poor indigenous women in Cambodia. She gets to travel there 3-4 times a year (which satisfies her love for travel) and she's also giving these women a means of making money (things are very difficult for them locally).

She started very small and now her line sells at major retailers in the UK and Italy. I've never seen her happier and the stuff she sells is absolutely gorgeous!

Sometimes you have to think outside of the box to come up with something. You're young, you don't have to "settle down"!

Amanda said...

Does getting your degree in Adult Ed restrict you to teaching ESL?

I earned my MEd in Early Childhood Ed, but I have no interest in Early Childhood Ed. Third grade (which is either the last year of primary elem ed or the first year of upper elem ed, depending on circumstances) is about as low as I can stand to go. And even then, I can only go that low if I'm working with gifted and high-ability students.

I like teaching. I like teaching gen ed and I like teaching ESOL. But I can't see myself doing either of those areas in the States for more than five years.

However...gifted education? I love it. I love working with those students, and I'm really, really good at it.

My point is that sometimes a degree is just a springboard to something else. My MEd has only helped me move forward and the specificity of it--Early Childhood--has never held me back.

Why am I here??? said...

People are telling me that it won't be a waste if I get my Masters in Education. My coworkers however suggest that if I want to get tenure-track in my current job then I should be getting a masters in TESOL. I'm not sure getting tenure is my goal though. And I think that I limit myself when I get so specific by taking TESOL. Lots to think about. I'm going to go out and start talking to people about options and maybe see a career counsellor. Thanks Amanada!

Hey anony,

Those are some wonderful points you make. I love the idea of combining passion with work. I'll need to think more about this..... but it got the wheels turning!

Anonymous said...

The thing about revealing too much on your blog...
Yes, perhaps to those closest to you, it is an invasion of privacy, but to your "followers", it is probably why you have so many dedicated readers. You talk about things that we can relate to, etc. Sometimes bloggers do give too much information, but if it's on a topic that I'm dealing with, it can be really helpful and makes me feel better as I know that I am not the only one is dealing with this "stuff"!
So, it's really up to you. Perhaps talking about this stuff is cathartic for you.