Friday, August 19, 2011

Honest and true to EVERYONE else but not MYSELF!

I've got a confession to make.

I need to re-evaluate what is important to me. I know, you (my dear readers) have been telling me this from the start. Sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of things that make you happy, things that you want to accomplish. Don't worry, I hear these words echoing in the back of my head.

I just haven't listened.

Because I thought coming home (back to Canada) and working a regular job and saving up money to buy a house would make me happy. I thought because that is what everyone else (with a exception of a few) is doing then I should be doing that too. In Korea I felt that I was 'getting behind' on life and that I should quickly get into the work world, secure a steady job (you know one that comes with pension and EDO's because those are 'the best') work my way up the ladder, go to grad school (because that's the new Bachelor's Degree) buy a house (complete with a picket fence - white, of course!) and then make babies.

But the simple truth is, that this is not what makes ME happy (not at this moment anyways). And I feel pressured by my husband, by my family, to subscribe to these ideals. So I've got the good job, I'm going to grad school, I've saved up a deposit for a house and I look around and say 'what's next?'. And even though I know THIS in NOT what makes me happy I still get up everyday and participate in this LIFE that I've created for myself. AND the worst part is that I've only got myself to blame. No one forced me to do this.

So I've been filling my time up with work. Because if I work I don't have to think. I get home exhausted, have a shit ton of homework and prep to do, go to work on weekends and I'm so distracted that I don't have time to know any different. I haven't scheduled in time for my husband or myself and I know that sounds awful but if I slow down and stop for a second then it's too hard for me to keep going. It's all or nothing!

It all came to a HEAD this past Friday. I had a mini melt down (okay A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN) and because the previous 2 nights I only slept for 4 hours I didn't even have enough energy to cry. I had terrible pains in my chest, felt anxious all the time, and at one point after my second cup of coffee I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest.

So I've got some hard thinking to do in the next little while. This week was a rough one, hence the lack of interaction on this blog. Instead I've been stuffing my face with fatty foods because that is what I do when things don't work out. And I'm so disappointed in myself for doing this because nothing good ever comes of it.


So that's my life as of late. How's yours?


Diana E.Sung said...

This may be the most honest thing you've ever posted here.

Just remember this is the beginning... it's not going to be easy to figure this out. I think that's what most of us spend our lives doing.

Anonymous said...

Not sure if this helps, but I had a really tough week too (though you don't know me so you don't care :) I took the day off today and just relaxed, so my brain could get some rest. I'm going back to working on my goals tomorrow.

Of course, this only works if you know your goals!

Like others have suggested, you need a list of goals, wants, things you love... whatever works for you. But they must be YOURS. When you write down the list, put whatever comes to mind, even if you know it goes against what your husband/family want. You can try to figure out how to make it work later.

Shelley said...

Jenn- You just have to remember that you can't live your life for your family and friends and their expectations. Only you and Sung Hyun know what is best for both of you. There is no sense slogging it out working 5 jobs if it makes you miserable and ruins your marriage.
Raising my children in India (at least in the early stages) was NOT what I wanted, but I also know that moving back to Canada although sounds amazing, will be so so difficult. I can't work 3 jobs to make ends meet, because I'll have 2 children. So we've made the decision to stay in India until the kids are school age so it will make it easier for both of us to work.
If you're not happy, only you can change that, life is just too short to be miserable.
Do you think you'll be happier in Korea? DO you think Sung Hyun has a greater chance for success in Canada or Korea? From what I know of Korea, he'll have to work long hours and probably won't get paid as well as he would in Canada. Although you will make more money in Korea working a lot less than in Canada (funny how that works)... You do have to take his feelings into consideration as well, because he wants to succeed too.
But buying the house, having the picket fence with 1.2 kids, is not for everyone. One step at a time....
I really hope you can look inside yourself and find the answers. Obviously you're not happy with the way things are right now...

Why am I here??? said...

That means a lot to me Diana. Thanks.

YES ANONY. your comment most definitely helps even if I don't know you! I really need to work on that list. Although I'm thinking about it a lot more. Now, I've just got to commit it to paper.

Shelley, you're right. I need to decide what is right for me. Work is certainly not more important than my marriage but somehow I let it take over my life. I need to divorce my job. Congrats again on the new baby!