Friday, August 19, 2011
Honest and true to EVERYONE else but not MYSELF!
I've got a confession to make.
I need to re-evaluate what is important to me. I know, you (my dear readers) have been telling me this from the start. Sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of things that make you happy, things that you want to accomplish. Don't worry, I hear these words echoing in the back of my head.
I just haven't listened.
Because I thought coming home (back to Canada) and working a regular job and saving up money to buy a house would make me happy. I thought because that is what everyone else (with a exception of a few) is doing then I should be doing that too. In Korea I felt that I was 'getting behind' on life and that I should quickly get into the work world, secure a steady job (you know one that comes with pension and EDO's because those are 'the best') work my way up the ladder, go to grad school (because that's the new Bachelor's Degree) buy a house (complete with a picket fence - white, of course!) and then make babies.
But the simple truth is, that this is not what makes ME happy (not at this moment anyways). And I feel pressured by my husband, by my family, to subscribe to these ideals. So I've got the good job, I'm going to grad school, I've saved up a deposit for a house and I look around and say 'what's next?'. And even though I know THIS in NOT what makes me happy I still get up everyday and participate in this LIFE that I've created for myself. AND the worst part is that I've only got myself to blame. No one forced me to do this.
So I've been filling my time up with work. Because if I work I don't have to think. I get home exhausted, have a shit ton of homework and prep to do, go to work on weekends and I'm so distracted that I don't have time to know any different. I haven't scheduled in time for my husband or myself and I know that sounds awful but if I slow down and stop for a second then it's too hard for me to keep going. It's all or nothing!
It all came to a HEAD this past Friday. I had a mini melt down (okay A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN) and because the previous 2 nights I only slept for 4 hours I didn't even have enough energy to cry. I had terrible pains in my chest, felt anxious all the time, and at one point after my second cup of coffee I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest.
So I've got some hard thinking to do in the next little while. This week was a rough one, hence the lack of interaction on this blog. Instead I've been stuffing my face with fatty foods because that is what I do when things don't work out. And I'm so disappointed in myself for doing this because nothing good ever comes of it.
So that's my life as of late. How's yours?