Thursday, October 28, 2010
To publish or not to publish..........
I haven't seen my husband for the past 3 days because I've been working evenings at a temporary sub position at Regina Open Door Society. I get home between 9:30 and 10 pm and by that time he is already in bed. He's got to be up at 6 to get to work in time. I usually start my day at 11am; by then he's been at work for 4 hours. I crawl into bed at 2, 3 or 4 am just as my mom is waking up. My teaching day starts at 12:30, just after lunch, which feels more like my breakfast. I've always been a night owl. I get most of my productive work done after midnight. I just wish that my husband was more in sync with my not-so-normal schedule.
I miss him.
Yesterday he sent me an email: "Hello sweetheart......... I love you!"
I wish I could zip back to the time when this picture was taken - when we first started dating and didn't have a care in the world.
All the planning for our future in Canada put us (mainly me) into a buckle-down-and-be serious-about-life-mode. It made me go into super work mode. I worked so that I could save for our 'future', which was going to be an expensive one in Canada. I gave up my weekends in Korea so I could take on a third part-time job. I rushed to work after Korean classes to get to the Blue House in time to teach some more. And then suddenly three years passed. In that time of saving up for Canada I lost focus of what was most important to me.
The man who made me laugh. The man who didn't have a care in the world. The man with the carefree attitude.
And somehow in that time, being away from my husband (since he worked on Saturdays too) seemed normal. And I prided myself in the fact that I could go hang out with my girlfriends by myself during the few hours my husband and I had an opportunity to spend time with each other. I prided myself in not having to be home and cook for my husband. I wasn't at his beck and call. And he supported me in having a good time with my friends, because I told him that's what 'Westerners' do (side note: there was no way in hell that if he married a Korean woman that he would tolerate a situation like this). I prided myself in being a strong independent women.
But I think I've got it all wrong.
I know I've got it all wrong.
Now, the hard part is deciding what to do to make it all better. The little feminist in me is not winning when I abandon my own husband (okay maybe abandon isn't the correct word - it sounds too strong). But the point is that I got caught up in all the planning and preparations for having a future with him that I forget about the most precious spontaneous meaningful things in life.
Those things that are far more important than a few more hours at work to make a few more extra dollars. And part because of my own stubbornness and part because of other issues that involve my family in Korea*, I have let $ $ get in the way of my relationship.
And it's awful. And I hate it. And I need to find a way to get back to that place I was in that picture.
So I'm all ears! Anyone want to offer some advice? I love listening. Anyone want to sign up to be my life-coach? (kidding - kind of).
-- Signing off on this topic (but only for the night, early morning; it's 3 am)
* And I wish I could tell you more about personal financial issues that we have had to face, but out of respect for those Korean family members who access my blog and out of respect for my husband I don't have the right to do so............I'll have to play the Korean 'saving face' card! Maybe some day, some time down the road I'll write a book